Cursing the Akatsuki
by riptocs
Summary: And the very very evil ninja said, "Flabbity flobbity fleek! Curse the Akatsuki for a week!" And the wind blew and horses panicked as they knew the Akatsuki were in for a week of hell.


**This is complete and utter crack that I came up with out of the blue, so I'm sorry if it sucks XD. I don't own Naruto!**

Once upon a time there was a very evil ninja. Very very evil. He was so very very evil, he wasn't like any normal ninja (although he was loyal to Konoha, they would never admit to be associated with such a very very evil ninja. Instead of using jutsu and fists to take down his foes, he used curses and spells and potions that usually consisted of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails (poor Akamaru needed years of therapy to get over THAT particular incient).

So when given a very special mission from a very discreet Konoha ninja, the very evil ninja took things very seriously. Very very seriously. He gathered his cauldron and his ingredients and his spell books and his candles and set them up in his humble abode (also known as The Forbidden Cave to nosy young academy students) and began to brew. He tossed in three spoonfuls of frog eyes and two ounces of virgin blood before topping off the mixture with some powdered cinnamon. Now that his tea was done, he could get to spellcasting.

In the most very very evil voice he could muster, for this was a very very evil spell, he chanted from his spellbooks, "Flabbity-gabbity-peek! Curse the Akatsuki for a week!"

The wind blew so hard the candles were snuffed out and the very very evil ninja tossed some strange powder into the wind.

That's when the fun began.

-x-x-x-x-

**First, he cursed Sasori with faulty plumbing.**

"Danna! What the hell happened in here, un?" Deidara gaped at the mess in the bathroom then scowled. "Didn't you fix the faucet just yesterday?"

"Yes, but then that AND the shower started leaking." Sasori growled, suddenly glaring at Deidara with fire in his eyes. "This better not be your idea of a joke! Even my puppets are malfunctioning!"

"I would never do something like this, Danna! Don't try and stab me with that! That doesn't bend that way!"

**Then, he cursed Deidara with faulty taste buds.**

"What the hell, un?" Deidara grunted, his hand mouth spitting out the lump of clay he had shoved in. He had visited Kakuzu after escaping from his very irate Danna to get his injuries patched up when inspiration hit him. He had to create his art!

"This shit tastes nasty, yeah!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Hidan laughed, passing by his room, "You're the only freak around here that eats clay anyway!"

"No I mean it's not suppose to taste nasty like this! If I can't create my art, my life is pointless!"

"Jeez, Dei, it can't be that- Put that down! You're not a masochist like I am!"

**Then, he cursed Hidan with faulty clotting.**

"Why the fuck won't it stop bleeding?" Hidan glared at Kakuzu who had long ago finished stitching him up.

"No idea. But Deidara sure did get you good."

"Shut the fuck up! I was trying to fucking stop him from fucking stabbing himself!"

"I would have let him do it, personally. It would have been funny to watch."

"Yeah, well you're a fucking sadist. Damn, this shit really won't stop bleeding!"

"You know I wonder if I should- Shit! Hidan, wake up! Damn you bloodloss!"

**Then, he cursed Kakuzu with faulty money.**

After watching his partner bleed to death then realize it wouldn't kill him anyways, Kakuzu deigned himself to go buy some medicine to help him no matter how much he hated spending money. He would never admit he actually cared…

"Sir, this money is fake." Kakuzu's head snapped back as if he'd been slapped.

"But I checked it out and counted it and everything when I got it from that bounty I did…"

"I understand, sir, but see this line here- No! Don't hurt me! Take the medicine! Yes, take the medicine and go!"

"Thank you for your service," Kakuzu muttered, dropping the still squirming man from his tentacles.

**Then, he cursed Kisame with fleas.**

"Itachi-saaaan! It still itches!" Kisame squirmed, trying to get his hands free then scratching his back against the wall upon failing.

"Kisame, you lack a flea collar." Yes, under close inspection it was discovered that Kisame indeed had fleas.

"Itachi-san, only animals, get fleas!"

"And you are a shark, therefore you are subject to the rule. Come, I will run you a medicated bath since your hands are…indisposed."

"You're the one that did this to them!" Kisame held up his hands which had oven mitts on them, which wouldn't be a problem for Kisame to get off except they were held on by copious amounts of duct tape.

"You're the one that wouldn't stop scratching, even when I warned you repeatedly what the consequences would be."

Kisame pouted and Itachi let out a rare smile. "If you're good, I'll let you have a little treat later." (Take that however you will).

**Then, he tried to curse Itachi, but the very very evil curse was good like that and knew Itachi wasn't a bad guy so gave him a blessing instead.**

"Kisame…" Itachi had stopped on his way to the bathroom.

"Hmm? What?" Kisame was distracted with trying to scratch at himself in any way possible.

"I can see!"

One blink. Then two.

"Your eyes? They're better?"

"Yes, suddenly everything's so much clearer!"

Kisame grinned and put a mitted hand on Itachi's shoulder as the man turned towards him.

"Kisame…it's so good to be able to see you again."

**Then, he cursed Pein with faulty reception**

"You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is out of service. Please hang up and try again."

Konan stared at Pein's body. Suddenly, he had gone still and would blurt that out along with a funny tune whenever she would try to speak to him. At first she suspected one of the receptors had become dislodged, but after searching extensively she could find no evidence of anything wrong.

So she chalked it all up to the odd lightning strike that had hit the safehouse seconds ago and decided to give him a few minutes. After a quarter of an hour, she decided to just go see Nagato just in case anything was wrong.

**Then, he tried to curse Konan, but her womanly powers easily overpowered the very very evil curse and thus she was left unaffected.**

"That was strange," Konan muttered, making her way through the rain. "I could have sworn I sensed something…odd just a second ago." But she shrugged it off to the general craziness that came with being a member of the Akatsuki and quickly forgot about it as she went to see Nagato.

"Konan, the reception's not working."

"I became aware of that quite some time ago."

The man really did not look well and it seemed that disconnecting him from his bodies had left his mind in a state of…oddness.

"Did you check the satellite?"

"There is no satellite."

"Did you check the cable?"

"There is no cable."

"Good, because we all know the cake is a lie."

"?"

**Sorry guys I couldn't think of anything remotely funny for Zetsu or Tobi and it sorta got unfunny in the end but…yeah I tried. So what do you think?**


End file.
